


stay with me, hold my hand

by dearfriendicanfly



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 03:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30133497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearfriendicanfly/pseuds/dearfriendicanfly
Summary: There were so many times that Anthy slipped out of Utena's hands.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	stay with me, hold my hand

**Author's Note:**

> in case you missed it in the tags, tw for references to anthy's suicide attempt in episode 37 and utena's suicidal ideation from the cathedral flashback!

There were so many times that Anthy slipped out of Utena's hands. 

It's been ten years now, since the castle came crumbling down. But Utena remembers it all. The wounds stay fresh. She remembers the way her hands bled from tearing at the thorny vines, blistered from pulling that stone slab away, little by little. And for all her efforts, when Anthy reached for her, she didn't have the strength left to hang on.

"Sugar?" Anthy says, and Utena tears her gaze away from her hands. Sitting here at their breakfast table, bathed in the pale blue dawn, she can feel that phantom pain grow duller. The memories of swords and ruins and coffins fall away, like sand through her fingers. 

"Sure," Utena says. "Thanks." Anthy passes her the sugar bowl, and Utena puts one more spoonful than usual into her coffee to ease the bitterness.

Utena cooks breakfast, but it's Anthy who provides. The eggs are from her pet chicken, the vegetables from her garden. When they're done eating, Anthy will spend the rest of the morning tending to her gentle charges, and Utena will think how amazing it is that Anthy has the strength to do it. Even after all that she's been through, Anthy likes to care for things. 

These days, Utena can hardly find it in her to care for herself.

She goes about her day in a kind of haze. Shower, get dressed, brush teeth, and then... what? No work today. These are the hardest days to get through. Everyone tells her that it's important to rest, but an idle mind is the devil's workshop, as they say. In the end, she decides to crawl back into bed for a little while and catch up on some of the sleep that she missed tossing and turning through the night. But sleeping isn't any easier in the day— in fact, it's even harder now that she's alone without Anthy to hold onto. To reassure her that she hasn't lost Anthy to that gaping chasm of her nightmares, the hungry maw that once tried to swallow them whole. Sometimes, she's not so sure that it didn't succeed. This feeling of being broken down little by little every day is something like digestion.

Utena's heart is heavy, and so she decides to go to the garden. 

Anthy is watering the flowers. Instead of a greenhouse full of roses, she has a yard full of every flower she could ever want to grow— sunflowers, carnations, hydrangeas, peonies, hyacinths, sweet pea, and many more. She grows vegetables, too, and herbs, and even a little tea garden she just planted this spring. She grows them in boxes, in pots, and right in the ground. Wherever she can find a place for it, there is life. Utena sits in the shade and watches Anthy work, and her heart is soothed. 

"You're so cool," Utena smiles, coming to kneel beside Anthy in the dirt. "You know, I never asked you why you like flowers. I guess it's hard to think why anyone _wouldn't_ like them. But you must really love them, the way you take care of them."

Anthy smiles. "I do. I always have..." And then the smile fades. She gently trails a finger over a leaf from her hydrangeas. It bears the early signs of disease. "It's a selfish thing, though."

Utena frowns. "Selfish...?"

Anthy's eyes cloud, and Utena is reminded of those thick glasses that glinted in the light and veiled her thoughts. "Flowers... depend on you, but they can't love or hate. Animals can't betray you. They can only be what they are. And if you lose them..." Utena sees a flicker in Anthy's eyes as she cuts off the rotting leaf. "...you only have yourself to blame."

Utena feels herself suddenly go cold and clammy, even in the late sunny morning. She swallows hard, standing to her feet with an effort. It feels as though her knees might buckle under her. "I'm gonna go make lunch," she manages, and hurries back inside away from the sun and Anthy's inscrutable eyes. In the kitchen, she tries to put together a simple plate of sandwiches. But the plate slips out of her trembling hands and crashes to the floor, shattering. The sound of it pierces Utena like a blade and she collapses into a chair, crying as though her heart would break. 

Unlike flowers, people can misunderstand. Unlike animals, people make promises that they can't keep. Utena feels so wretchedly _human,_ remembering all of the times she unwittingly buried a blade deeper in Anthy's back. All the times that Anthy reached out, only to grasp empty air. Utena _lost_ her. And then miraculously, Anthy came back to her, and even after a decade, she still can't quite wrap her head around why. She's afraid that they're both only putting off the inevitable. Unlike flowers, people have hands to drop things. Hands that aren't even strong enough to carry the weight of the harm that they cause.

After a while, the well dries up and Utena resigns herself to cleaning up the mess. By the time she comes out with lunch, Anthy knows something is wrong. She eyes Utena closely as they sit together at the little picnic table among the flowers, but says nothing. Talking still doesn't come any more easily to them now than it did before. And what right does Utena have to reach out and ask Anthy to pull her away from the brink?

After eating what little she can stomach, Utena goes back to bed and leaves Anthy to her garden, where she is safe from harm.

The hours drift by in that same strange haze from the morning. She feels the ghost of blades bearing down on her, ripping her apart. She remembers the coffin in the cathedral, and a part of her wonders if it wouldn't have been better to stay there, where she could do no harm to anyone else. Her thoughts turn dark and frightening, and she just wishes that she could fall asleep.

"Utena?"

Anthy stands in the doorway with two mugs in her hands. Utena thinks she smells chamomile, just faintly. She sits up in bed, slowly, painfully. Anthy settles in beside her and hands her one of the mugs. The warmth of it steadies her trembling hands just a little. Sure enough, it's chamomile tea, from Anthy's own garden. She takes a sip, and the warmth spreads from the pit of her stomach to the tips of her fingers.

"What do you think?" Anthy asks, smiling. "As good as the store bought stuff?"

" _Way_ better," Utena says emphatically, taking another long sip. "It's... got a little of you in it."

Anthy's smile softens, widens. She takes a sip of her own tea, looking satisfied. "Mm. You're right. This was worth it." She hesitates, and then sets her mug on the bedside table. She lays a gentle hand on Utena's knee. "This was _all_ worth it."

Utena's chest tightens. She can't look at Anthy, so she stares into her tea instead. Her own shadowy reflection stares back at her.

"...You know," Anthy continues softly, "I planted the tea garden because of you."

Utena blinks, almost glancing up. "Me...?"

"Mm-hmm." Anthy lays her head against Utena's shoulder, taking a deep breath. "You remember our promise? In ten years, we would still be drinking tea together. And now it's been ten years, and... here we are." 

Utena's eyes widen. She looks up to find Anthy gazing at her with eyes so _full_ that it stops her breath. Anthy reaches up a hand, caressing Utena's cheek. "Thank you," she says quietly, "for everything."

And suddenly, Utena remembers one time that Anthy didn't slip out of her grasp. Remembers pulling her back onto solid ground, holding onto her until she was sure she wouldn't lose her. If she'd never met Utena, perhaps she never would have climbed onto that ledge to begin with. But Utena reels at her words. _Thank you for everything._ For the past ten years together. For the life they've built. For the good and the bad, all of it. Everything.

She remembers the reason that she climbed out of the coffin that day.

Utena leans her cheek into Anthy's hand, letting the tears fall. Anthy wipes them away, so kind and gentle. "Thank you, too," Utena whispers. 

She hopes that in another ten years, they'll still feel the same.

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from "I Will" by Mitski which is..... a very good song for these two


End file.
